Friday, January 19, 2007

You Told Me So

..or I'm wrong, you're right. In a blind taste test, I would recognize the flavor of my foot 9 times out of 10. Tastes like humility with a dash of that powder I use to prevent blisters during long runs. Now you probably want to know what has earned you this recognition.

I shot a Diet Coke commercial yesterday. Ah.. its all coming back to you now. That's right...

Last Friday I had an audition for a Diet Coke commercial. Auditions have been picking up lately, which is both good and bad. Because I am still stuck working all day shifts at Asia de Cuba (a WHOLE 'nother blog), each day brings the fear that shift and audition will conflict. Today they did and I missed an audition for Lowe's. PISSED. Anyway, I go to this audition last week for Diet Coke, and all they want me to do is: have a conversation with the girl across from you while drinking your Diet Coke (blech). Then, Finish your drink. Then, try to take a sip from your empty glass, notice its empty, and give that signature Tara-smirk. Easy, right? Sigh... Wrong.

Take 1: Don't ask me why I do this, but when they say Action, I take the can of coke nearby and add more to the glass!! I DON'T KNOW WHY!! Stop asking!! I just did it, which as we all know, means it took more sips to finish that baby. CUT!

Take 2: Less coke this time, and no creative urge over-taking me, I go to chug down the soda in one brave gulp... except I take a huge chunk of ice with me, which in awkward close-up, I now have to SPIT back into the cup. Charming, no?

No. The rest of the day I spent bending the ear of anyone who would listen, complaining that my career was a joke, that I couldn't even drink a coke on cue. I was miserable. Mom heard about it, Shane, Nic... The entire cast of my weekly improv show "PD!".

Callback. No cans or chunks of ice nearby. Booking. Searching for recipes for low-fat humble pie.

Yes, the worst audition is the one you book. Thanks, for making my career choice even more enigmatic. The shoot went fine. I felt a bit like a can of coke, myself. Obviously we all know who is the star of this spot. They shot the back of my shoulder and hand, reaching for an empty can. No drinking for yours truly (thank God). The word on the set is that the spot will air during the Academy Awards. Let's hope I'm still in it when that happens.

And yes, you won't hear me complaining about another audition for at least a week. I couldn't bear your signature smirks.


Anonymous said...

Not sure whether to congratulate you or send you a sympathetic cyber-hug. What a weird, weird business.
I'll watch the Oscars and see if you're doing a spit-take with a Diet Coke. I can't stand the stuff either. Regular Coke, sure, but Diet? Ick.
Hang in there, kiddo. You're in the middle of a crossroads moment here. Take your time, decide who/what you want to be, and then take action.
Oh, and if your foot tastes like humility, I recommend using that Aloe lotion. Then, embarrassing statements allow you to experience a minty freshness as your feet hit your mouth. I''ve got a foot fetish - trust me. :-)

Anonymous said...




First off, congrats. Secondly, don't ever put the image of you sucking on your foot in my head again.

And finally, cash the check and smile. It's done, baby.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.


ablebody said...

no 'A', no friend.
this doesn't let you off the hook.
but it is cool as shit.

Overdroid said...

I remember a commercial I shot in Atlanata for Best Foods Mayonaise, they were changing the name to MAYO for marketing purposes. I totally bricked that commercial and the director had me do the signature "Best foods Sandwich pat," at the end of a BF commercial a hand pats a sandwich that tastefully oozes mayonaise. The food artist took too long to build sandwiches and the daylight was dissapearing and their was too much mayo and it kept squirting out, and the director ended up doing it. I just remember they kept saying "bring in the hero" and by this they meant the sandwich. I was supporting role to a sandwich. Commercials are a joke that pays the bills until you get to do what you want.

maryk said...

yeah! congrats on the paycheck! i'll be watching!
i did a furniture ad couple weeks ago where i had bacon grease and peanut butter smeared on my face, and a dog ate bacon OUT OF my mouth. Like, he really really got in there. And I'M A VEGETARIAN. Just think about that if you ever feel commercial-dirty.

Anonymous said...

Dear Tara:

It's Greg from the old school, PHS. Remember when I bore your mishapen hand across my breast? If you've read all this before, forgive me. I'm new at this blog stuff. In fact, I just responded to your game commercial. Strangely enough, I dreamt of you the other night, so I thought I'd google your name for shits and googles. I must say that I wasn't surprised to learn of you success since I was always sure that you were the best among us. You took me under you wing and. . . . After discovering what's in your "box" (a preoccupation that I had for a while) and gazing at your headshot, I concede that you are still mind-shatteringly beautiful. I guess you know that I had a terrible crush on you and that I worshipped you from afar. (Again, forgive me if you've perused this treacle before somewhere else on the web.) I thought I was in love with you. Even though I was a wee slip of a boy at 14, I felt strongly, so I guess it was real. Who knows?

I've been teaching 7th-graders grammar and composition and college kids Shakespeare (the racy sonnets and Venus and Adonis). I consider teaching as a kind of performance art. Try playing to a captive audince of 12 and 13-year-olds. It's tough. They will heckle you if you suck. I think I've found my calling, and I might as well go for the "Doctor." (I didn't go through ten years of evil medical school to be called "Mr." Hayes! I know that you will succeed in whatever you try, too. You are a brilliant actress.

Do you remember when you ordered me, "Pick me up" back stage? Or when you referred to me as Teddy. Perhaps you recall inviting me to go "swimming" before opening night, and I was too shy to respond to these blatant overtures? You asked me to speak French to you. All I could manage was "n'est pas?" Well here's another try: Je t'aime beacoup. Man, you never forget the first one.

Give my regards to Laura, whom I courted one sweet night before she left for Rollins. I was too chickenshit to kiss her, too, even though I think that's what she wanted. Rest assured, though, my feelings for her, although initially inspired by you, were an entirely different matter, which I will also cherish forever. A bane on the Ochs and all their pretty progeny! (Your mom was pretty hot, too.)

My email is I hope you write sometimes. Maybe my box will be filled with belligerent wooers. Maybe I have a foot fetish, too.

Your Teddy always,