Ah... even the title of my blog post is indulgent. It sounded like such a clever title that I had to use it, whether it really applies to what I want to say or not. "What the heck am I doing?" is probably a better title. The novelty of my move has worn off and the old habits are rearing their ugly heads. I haven't started yearning for LA. I don't know that I ever will. I truly don't think I 'pulled a geographic.' But I'm going to be straight with you here. I think I may have lost my navel-gazing mind. I don't think I can even admit to you what a strange place I am in... I don't want to sound, well, crazy.I gave up my career, which I had previously given up everything else for... but I never really had a plan. I didn't really ever know what I wanted, specifically, so I couldn't ever really say if I got it. The title of my Blog is Lucky Star, because the phrase that I have found best describes this phenomenon (or essence) is "I was born under a lucky star and I'm just trying to stay under it." I get this image of me, staring straight up into the night sky, like a seal with a ball balanced on her nose, just trying to keep that star balanced above my life.
And now here I am, Square One. Again, I have no goals, no plans, just whims and urges. Most days I pretend that it's fine with me that I live this way - many of my urges lean towards having fun, eating, sleeping and having adventures. But then there are the days when I realize that I may not be able to keep living this way forever, or worse, that I may not WANT to. Its kind of like there is some sort of protective chemical inside my body that puts me to sleep soon after I start thinking this way. If I could just stay awake long enough to make some real choices... And now I'm getting sleepy, very sleepy...
8 comments:
Life is a journey, not a destination. How many people do you know that started with a plan and ended with the same plan? Acting is a profession that eats its own children and luck is a bigger player than talent. You made a great attempt and that is something to be proud of. Most people never follow their dreams and wonder with regret their entire lives. You took the leap and unfortunately it didn't turn out like you'd hoped. But you had an adventure, made new friends and answered that question. Now get out, find your friends, and have some fun. The next adventure awaits.
AMEN sister....
I have followed you for a long time and am so proud of you for following your dream! I am one of the ones that will always wonder and live with some regret. Why rush to figure out anything? Figuring it out doesn't make you happier. That's all noise. Do whatever makes you happier and healthier - the rest will come!
Tara
Don't be sad. Change is... well some times turbulent and uncharted. A recent bit I've heard about journeys and life-goals blah blah blah - is the proverbial trip across the country. No matter by day or night, in most cases, you could only see 200 feet of the road at a time. It's a better visual at night; with headlights. The point is, you end up arriving at the destination - even thousands of miles away.
I feel your current thinking. As I just copied and pasted the following from my website: "Confident that my skills could be utilized even more on the Production side of the process, I did what any up-and-coming somebody living in Los Angeles would do; I moved to Nebraska." At least you live in Atlanta.
What do you WANT out of life?
Keep doing things you love. Seek out stuff that you really really love. Make a list. Get a pen out right now. I mean that stuff that jacks you up with that life high. Even outside this "business." And we both know that people not in it - just don't understand the junkie nature of doing it (When we are doing it; we're up. When we're not; we'll do almost anything to be doing it again).
Stay surrounded by people who get you. DO NOT CHANGE! You can always move back to LA - if you wanted to - but only if you WANT it.
Big hug.
Hey Anonymous
STOP SPAMMING THIS BLOG!
C'mon. Go some place else.
Sorry T. Looks like you might have to check the "approve posts" box.
Yeah, cool... how weird to get a spammer - i wonder what they think they are accomplishing with that... from now on comments are all pending approval. So keep it clean, peeps!
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